My LEAKED Oscars Monologue

Would I ever host the Academy Award?

No- and for good reasons.

I'm a nobody.
I had a Twitter while living in a small town.

But if I did.....

****Scenery Change; Jesse is now on stage at the Academy Awards.

The Academy Awards are known for highlighting massive film achievements . The Academy love films that break records, break traditions, but not films that break the glass ceiling.

Speaking of snubs! No one got snubbed harder than Leonardo DiCaprio for 'Killers of the Flower Moon' because he had me convinced the entire film that he was in love with someone over 25.

Another film nominated is 'Anatomy of a Fall,' a legal drama surprisingly not about Biden

These films were done sensitively. For example, Oppenheimer refrained from showing a violent bombing on screen while Sony showed one called 'Madame Web.'

'Poor Things' is a movie about a young woman going on a journey of self-discovery. Essentially, a divorced mother who got a new TikTok account.

I loved the Barbie movie, but some are saying it does not have a snowball's chance in hell of winning. Which was the slogan for Nikki Haley's Presidential Campaign.

Godzilla was nominated for an Oscar. If I had a nickel for every time a film about the destruction of Japan was nominated, I'd have two nickels!

But honestly, it must be great to have this huge building for all of us to be together. Definitely more space than you celebs are use to on Epstein's Plane.

****Dream Sequence Over- Jesse is zapped back to writing his blog*****