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Better than Ned's Back To School Survival Guide

It's that time of year, where student are returning to school after a long winter break!

Jesse Pimpinella

Here are some tips to get you started on the right track.

1) I Hate Group Projects

Immediately give yourself the role as donuts guy or snack guy. This role brings upon immediate thanks and praises, as well as getting you out of some work that the rest of the group would feel guilty giving you.

GUILT TRIP: It's legal Blackmail

2) Lap Top Students.

When you are on laptop during class, don't make the obvious mistake of locking your eyes on your screen the entire time. Wait for the teacher/professor to say something profound or important. Make a subtle, but seen gesture of "Wow, I should write the down," and then you may write out that status about how the teacher is a jackass on Facebook.

3) Ask Questions

Ask questions periodically to appear like you are paying attention. I ask questions every 10-15 minute to give the allusions of giving a shit without actually giving a shit. The professor then look at you like that classic go-getter student, when in fact you are just trying to pass this garbage of a music elective.

It's like faking it during sex, but on a scholastic level!

4) Reward your studying

Some say you should study for 3 hours per every 1 hour you are in class. BLAH BLAH BLAH! Real genius know how to cram in an entire semester in one night. But this is not always a great idea. So after every 90 minutes of studying, take a break.

Play videos games, watch 2 episodes of the Office on Netflix, jerk-off. Whatever gets your rocks off!

5) Excuses, Excuses

Listen, if you need a great excuse, here it is. Get a picture of a fender bender accident on your phone. Like a car with a smashed bumper. The accident should not look TOO serious. Show the teacher the picture on your phone, and claim that is your car. Now you can have a excuse for why you are late, missed a test etc!

6) Syllabus =Contract

If a teacher changes the syllabus without you and the class being notified, that is like breaking contract...right? I don't know. I am talking out of my ass. But make the teacher believe that it like a contract that she must uphold.

If that syllabus promised that you would never get kicked in the balls or vagina, and suddenly the professor is thinking about changing that policy as they are wearing steel-toed boots, then you would argue like your unborn children's lives depend on it!

That is for all. Yes, I am ending a blog post with a genital kick joke.

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