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I Suck At Growing Up

jesse pimpinella

Today, I wanna discuss growing up. Does anyone ever feel like a grown up or do everyone just walk the earth as grown adult children? Honestly I feel like a tourists that stayed on vacation way too long.

"Trapped in paradise, and I am all out of underwear."

Living on my own leaves me with so many unanswered questions. Luckily, my mother is a phone call away , and I summon her attention like my personal Magic 8 ball


"Hey mom, does medicine expire?"


"Hey Mom, I have this rash on my arm. Am I dying?"


"Hey Mom, how do I run the laundry? How much detergent do I put in? Can I substitute detergent for dish soap?



Recently, I learned another lesson in washing clothes. I made the sitcom mistake of placing a colored sock in my load of whites and now have pick clothing. Long story short, I have a Pink Batman shirt. Still wearing it, because it is bitchin'

By the way, here is my rejected Super Bowl Commercial and Slogan for Tide.


When I was a kid, I felt like adults had money, like dalmatians had spots. As a child, no matter what situation I was in, the adults had money. Hell, I grew up knowing there were magical adults that would consistently find quarters behind my ears every time they seen me. Was it truly magic, or was I just that easy to amuse? I don't know. So, believing that adults always had money was believable. I even had this math equation stuck in my head.


After some of my friends had kids, I found out my equation needed to be revised


Grocery Shopping

Remember when you could text your parent that shopped

"Hey, I like S'mores poptarts, O.J.-no pulp and hold the murdering (JK get it), waffles and dino nuggets."

Now, I have to shop on my own. I prefer Dollar Tree's super cheap grocery section. Each item is $1. So if you are cheap and math challenged, go here. 13 products guessed it $13.

BUT, its not all rainbows and butterflies here. I constantly ponder if the pack of turkey that I purchased for $1 is actually turkey. Telling yourself that Turkey has always been a brown-ish gray helps

AH Dammit! Is it spelled "G-R-E-Y" or "G-R-A-Y".

Siri: Call Mom!

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