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Breakup Insurance Policy Should Be Invented

Jesse Pimpinella

There is home insurance, car insurance and insurance for every single thing that you can imagine. I think it is time to jump on that money train and tell you folks about my new idea!


Think about it! We all have had caustic relationships that ended as tragic as Infinity Wars. A guy's clothing is burnt because he banged his girlfriend's BFF on her mattress.With Break-up Insurance, he get new clothing, and she gets a new mattress.

Jesse Pimpinella

Before Break-Up Insurance, you had to arrange an awkward meet-up with an ex, double check they brought everything, and then part ways hoping the didn't place Ricin all over it like this is Breaking Bad.

My last post-break-up trade back was not an easy one. It took place on neutral grounds: A Dunkin Donuts. Come for the break-ups, stay for the coffee.

Jesse Pimpinella

The other car arrived as I arrived. It was like a espionage movie with a prisoner exchange. Tension were high. Fuckin' dove were flying through the place. It was like a John Woo film.

However, it was my ex's mother that showed up. I would say my ex didn't have the balls to show up, but more than likely she didn't show up because she did have balls that she was fondling with her mouth. Too harsh? NAH! She cheated on me with numerous guys and stole my Jeep one time. If there ever was a time I wished my brake would give it out, it was then. Long story short, she returned my Jeep with balded tires and the gas light on. But in this case, break up insurance would have replenished my gas tank or possibly a given me a new car in case my ex decided to drive it into a wall 3 times. Or if she F$cked a guy in the car. Nah she would never F&ck a guy in my car. She would F$ck many guys in my car. Some at the same time. My car would have needed to be burned for any possible STD residue. From what I hear, if STDs were farm animals, my EX is Old Macdonald. From what I have been told she loves to E,I,E,I, OOOO

Jesse Pimpinella

Also we need a famous spokesperson for commercials of this amazing idea: Enter Carrie Underwood because she has that one song that goes "I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats...I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all 4 tires...Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats."

Jesse Pimpinella

Perfect! Then Break-up insurance covers the car! I will continue to work out the bugs and present my idea in my latest stand-up act "A Shortcoming of Age" which is a collection of stories about love.

Check out my tour dates by clicking TOUR

Thank you for reading!

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